Want... Need... ?

I am beginning to think it is possible to want something too much. Over the last few weeks I have begun writing pieces for a friend with connections. I want something to come of it so much. I want that internship, paid or unpaid, so much.

I want it more than that other girl in designer clothes, sky-high heels and long blonde hair. I want it more than anything else.

I don't want it for the free clothes and beauty products. I don't want it for the parties. I don't want it simply so I can sound glamorous when I tell people what I do. I want it as a career choice, it is a stepping stone toward my own goals, my own huge goals. My fairytale which no one can take away, but it seems people can step on and toss away.

Last time I wanted something this much, it all come to fruitition and then fell through completely. Warning bells are ringing. I don't want the same thing to happen again. I want it to work. I want success.

I want to write my own success story, but in an industry where knowing people is the key, I have to rely on others. One in particular who is so lovely and caring, and so amazing, and I feel like shit for being this needy, pestering girl who simply wants a job. I am sorry.

Maybe I want this all too much. I was thinking about an article I was writing when I was having sex with my lovely boyfriend - just a joke, my mind is so pre-occupied with it. Is it unhealthy? I get my boyfriend to do sleath missions to get contact with his friend who can help me in my dreams. Because I feel bad for pestering, I get him too.

I don't know why I get so set on something and let it consume me.
I have been consumed by the desire.

I am beginning to think it is possible to want something too much.

But I want to make my own success story, I don't want to wait for something to come along, I want to make that something.

THE WANT IS ALMOST A NEED. A confusing all encompassing and consuming need.